Chose your life

You might recall the film Trainspotting, which became huge among my friends. Love that lines when the main cast mentioned about chosing your life. I never really thought about it until today. Sitting alone at the porch, looking at the sunset without the sun (common view in Jakarta) and suddenly connected to what I used to think in that kind of moment, which is rare these days.

I chose my life to be as free as I could. I chose not to want more than what I believe I could achieve. If I know I want more, I will put it in my dream file. So one day it could come true but if it's not than I can still have it as a dream. I have so many dreams and some of them really came true. It's become bigger and bigger but at the same time I'm becoming more and more realistic about everything.

Yes, I chose my life path. Like I chose Beng to be my husband. Like I chose not to drive a car. Like I chose to be pragmatis sometimes. Like watching big Hollywood movies sometimes. Like I chose to share my thoughts to you all. Never question it after you made your decision. Just go along with it whatever it may be.

lulu, Ocean Net, 19.41, 30 June 2006

Beranda Senja

tenang menyelimuti
bersandar di beranda sendiri
senja yang tak jelas warnanya
menggelap seperti perlahan memanggil malam

aku menunggumu
ditingkahi serbuan nyamuk
lena oleh hening yang membisu
tak lelah sebab telah kutunggu kau seumur hidupku

lulu, Ocean Net, 19.19, 30 Juni 2006

Old House

A few years ago I found this nice old house on the HOS Cokroaminoto Street in the elite area of Menteng in the Centre of Jakarta. And last yearI saw some people started to torn down the house. I was sad as I witnesed another old building disappearing in Jakarta. I always sad to see a new building site. Like losing some sort of history which contained in the old building. The next time I passed, the whole house was gone. I suspected it replaced by another new house with stupid architecture like most of new houses in the elite area in Jakarta. People just build luxurious-unfriendly-fort alike house, like they are in the middle of Europe or something.

Time goes by. Since I didn't pass the street for quite some time by walking as I used to and no old house for me to look at, I forgot about it. Today I decided to walk just 30 minutes before the sunset with my heavy books. It is hard to walk on the sidewalk of Jakarta, especially during the day: too hot, too many pedlers or sometimes the motorcycle steals it away. I won't let this chance go by and carried the heavy books around. I couldn't help to look at the site where the old house used to be. And there were bushes everywhere, like a deserted land. There was nothing. I just couldn't believe my eyes and started to feel the books heavier than before.

I just wish I never spotted the old house there... Or is it my fortune to have ever saw it there?

lulu, Multiplus, 18.44, June 29, 2006

...

cintaku merambat
memelukmu ke segala arah
seperti tak ada lagi rasa
kecuali resah gelisah
apakah aku cukup untukmu?

lulu, for my Beng, Cafnet Kemang, 13.52, 25 Juni 2006

Life is what you want to see

Sometimes I feel so awful about the reality in front of me. And there's no turning back to make it right. I feel dizzy and want to blame someone else for it. Or blame whatever I can think of. Then at the end of the day I realized, it's all because the way I look at things arround me.

Life always play tricks on you and how you react to it is depend on the way you see it. If you just want to see problems, so what's new? Problems are everywhere. It's part of life itself. You can deal with it or let it eat you alive.

I prefer to see life positively and refuse any negative aura get in the way. I used to see the negative side all the time because of my work in entertainment world in Indonesia, which means things will always never goes the way you planned it and the changing (or you may call it 'problem') could burst out of no where. You just have to be ready for anything and that's why I always had the worst scenario I can think of. But this attitude had taken myself and slowly effecting my life.

It is not as easy as I am writing it now but I want to try. Life is already full of problems, missfortunes, troubles, surprizes, etc., so why make it worst?

lulu, Multiplus Net, 16.30 pm, June 20th 2006

Blunder

sehelai daun melayu
berpusing riuh rendah
lengkap sudah deritanya
tak kuasa menahan angin
tak mungkin kembali ke dahan
tak mampu bendung kesia-siaan

lulu, OceanNet, 15.25 pm, June 19th 2006

Musim-Musim

liar musim lalu
kering musim kini
ruang itu telah kembali
seolah tak pernah ada
musim-musim itu

lulu, Buncit Home, 02.50 am, June 18, 2006

Yesterday

it's all started with a dream
a dream that penetrate deep into my heart

In my dream
I save a little child in her shattered house
held her into my arms and take her away
from bomb explotion, earthquake, some kind of disaster
she's crying because she's hurt and looking for her mother
I try to calm her down with whispering words
she calm down
but I never dare to check her wound in her back
so I never know how bad it is before I wake up
Yesterday, I tried to figure out why
I don't have the courage to see her wound in my dream
I regret it the whole day

until I cried along the yellow road
until it keeps me up in the late night
until I write this today and feel cold

I just don't see the little child's wound in my dream

lulu, Buncit Home, 02.10 am, June 16th 2006

Aku Tunggu

juta-juta hati
lewat memerah
patahkan semangat
walau tak sampai mati
mata membasah
dipeluk sampai hangat

aku tunggu kau hadir
bersemayam nyaman
hingga selesai dalam rahim

lulu, Multiplus, 11.59 am, 12 Juni 2006

Global Friends

I have friends everywhere I go. And I did some heavy travelings between 2003-2005. I don't know why it's all happened every 2 months in 2 years as if I have it planned. From Holland, Germany, US, Australia until Singapore, Japan and Korea. It is not easy now that I seatle down. Sometimes they email or sms me and made my day brighter of their warmth as if there's no distance between us.

I remember those feelings of again trapped in an airport somewhere and not knowing why was I there at first place. My friends that I met along the way kept me for going insane. Never forget them but it is not easy when you are starting a new life with someone you love and just stay in one city for good.

Yesterday I tried to contact them all to visit this simple blog. I want to thank them somehow. Some of them are already sent their reactions this morning. I know by heart we always be friends no matter how far we all apart.

Thank you, friends!

lulu, MP Book Point, 11.37 am, June 11th 2006

My Rollercoaster Ride

So much has been going on these past few weeks. An Earthquake in Jogja, the disturbing Darwin's Nightmare documentary, the crazyness from the opening of World Cup. I just couldn't believe how all these combine in 2 weeks!

I feel we have to be aware all the time to face different things happening one after another. Like it meant to be placing us in the fast roller coaster, wether we like it or not. It's a test to our insanity. You might survive the tragedy because it happens far far away from you or not so far but well, in the same island, but you still have to survive the wave effect. You can't hide from it. It's part of this modern-global-fast life you live in.

At the end, I feel lucky because I could still feel this and not see it just as one of those headlines in the front page of a newspaper. To feel, how worst it could be, still a lot better than being numb to all your suroundings. Like once I experienced in the streets of New York 3 years ago, how this "mind you own business" attitude just driving me nuts. Maybe I experienced it to know the worst thing that could've happen in human race.

Somehow I am still feel guilty for not doing more or witnessing so much thing is being wasted for nothing...

lulu, Satunet Duren Tiga, 11.10 am, June 10, 2006

Darwin's Nightmare

Two days ago I watched a film in French Film Festival at TIM. Le Cauchemar de Darwin or Darwin's Nightmare is a documentary about people of Lake Victoria, the second largest lake in the world, located in Tanzania. I was shocked and I believe it changed my perspective on Europe for good. Don't realize how one continent can cause real damage to other continent. It reminds me of what has been happening in Papua, in my own country. But why it took me a documentary about a country far far away from me to make the connection? I don't know. Maybe because it's easier for us to sympathy for something with such distance from us than the thing close to or within us.

It is indeed a nightmare for everybody. And I think I will shake the hands of the director if I ever come across him someday. Maybe not in Europe since I don't think I will ever go back there. Just to congratulate him of what his documentary capable of, at least for me. Hope I'm not the only one...

lulu, MP Book Point, 14.25 pm, June 3rd 2006

Hilang

aku kehilangan ruangku
mungkin memang salahku
meninggalkannya
tak pernah kembali
tak pernah
ia telah mati

lulu, Wr.Buncit, 9.44 am, 31 Mei 2006